Meditations (a Deep Thoughts post)


Hello everyone. Well, today has probably not been the greatest day. But, I’ve found that on days such as this, nothing makes one feel better than going to Mass, and getting to sing in the choir. And, while in the choir next to Rob (who has the singular most beautiful bass voice I have ever heard on anyone) and singing the Our Father, a line stuck out to me.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

And that is when the guilt struck. Because, you see, I have a major issue with forgiving people. And its for good reason. Sometimes, some people just hurt you so deep, that forgiving them just feels like you’re being a doormat, letting their behavior be. The case that really sticks out for me is with my older sister, who, since the earliest days of my childhood, has seen me as nothing more than a filthy worm to grind under her high-heeled boots. I have never seen her once pass up a chance to remind me of how ugly, useless, mean, fat, stupid, and all around unworthy I am of her affection. And I, being the younger sister, have always adored her, always wanted to be her, with her blond hair and big eyes and confidence and smartness. But I wasnt good enough for her. I am less than nothing to her. So, if anyone was wondering why I always put myself down…thats why. The one person I always wanted to love me… hated me. Thats enough to give anyone a complex.

And yet, I am supposed to forgive her? After all she has done to me? Seriously? The girl ruined my life and my head, and yet I have to love her? Sometimes being a Christian can be hard. But yes, apparently, I do need to forgive her. Because if God treated me like I treat her… I’d be dead and burning in hell right now.

Other deep thoughts from the past few days? Well, there are two.

Number one is…there are some things God cannot fix. I know, I know, He is all-powerful and stuff, but there are simply some things He cannot make right. Some hurts that He can never fully heal. The sheer agony of a broken heart, the sharp sting of a broken trust, things I have dealt with several times, and yet pain me still. God can’t take those away, short of killing me or erasing my memory of the past 15 years (which sometimes looks really tantalizing) God may not be able to erase the pain, but he can help to bear it, however. In the end, He is the only one who can ever fully understand what we’re going through, what we’re feeling. All those things you could never tell, even to a friend, He understands. And though sometimes you wish He was an actual person with a shoulder to cry on (which I’ve wished more times than I can count, let me tell you) He is the one and only person who will never break your trust, your heart, never leave you, never hurt you. That’s the great comfort in all of the pain one feels in dark times.

Next point? Well, its a small one. I said once that Loneliness and Despair was the worst pain one could feel, and someone else said guilt was. But you know what? Heartbreak leaves them all behind, because it has notes of all those, with a generous portion of anger tossed in for good (bad) measure. But, you know what else? Sometimes, heartbreak is what one needs so that one may become the person God wants you to be. The best gold is that which has been tested through fire. And the best people are those who have been proved golden through pain.

~Tani

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21 thoughts on “Meditations (a Deep Thoughts post)

  1. I don’t think that there are things that God CAN’T fix. I think He just chooses not to, because it will be better for us in the long run. Just a thought…

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  2. In response to the first section: 7×70, you get the reference. in response to the second part: you are wrong. the only reason God could ever not fix something is if YOU fail to believe that He can. It is the same as believing that you are too sinful to go to confession. I YOU believe that He can, He can. And, if you don’t believe God can, then do you really want Him to? Do you actually believe he can’t, or are you just not quite ready to get over the hurt (which is okay). I’m sorry, but to me, saying God CAN’T is like… blasphemy. I feel really bad using that word in reference to you. It makes me want to cry and beg you to still like me.
    I don’t know if I just messed up horribly, but I think I should say, in my life, there are things that I currently don’t have to ability to actually BELIEVE that God can do, no matter how hard I try. But I have never decided that there is something he CAN’T do. I mean, I have a mental block. I KNOW He can, but I don’t fully BELIEVE it. I hope you understand. I really really really hope you can forgive me, but I think I’ve said the right thing.
    please, Lord, Love, help me to have said the right thing.

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  3. Yours was the response i most looked forward to, my friend. But still, there are some things God can not do. He cant exactly hold me when i’m crying, because he doesnt have arms or shoulders or anything. That’s really what gets me. He also can’t fully heal a broken heart. Even if one is happy, the memory of the pain is still a pain in and of itself. He cant fix that. Or at the very least, He cant fix that now. 10-20 years in the future? Maybe.

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    • Huh, i dont let anyone be around me when i’m depressed, so His working through other people won’t work.
      Yes, but the promise of relief in the far future is disappointing. Its like having a broken leg and getting told you cant have any painkillers or casts or anything for a few more years. Ow.

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  4. or at least, when I’m very depressed. Mild depression just means i say two rosaries for whatever it is that has me down (you saw that when you were here, i believe.) Major crying jags entail me going to the top of a hill and sobbing for an hour or so, and nobody is allowed within earshot.

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  5. gosh, hmmm… you’re tough…what I mean is, he’ll never go *snap* and poof! all your problems disappear. you’d never grow that way. and if you never let anyone near you, then how have I helped (or at least felt like I was helping) so often when you’ve been depressed? you don’t always need physical comfort, but I have always wished I could give it; like on the buss ride back from the retreat

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  6. Cant stop me from wishing He would. This friggin’ well sucks.
    That is another thing that is hard to explain. I think it might be because you are a much better person than i ever hope to be, and that pre-disposes me to listen to you anyway. You have never been around when I am truly depressed, and i’m not sure if i would even let you. Its a loud, painful, and overall disturbing time, not at all something i want anyone else to have to deal with.

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