Meditations (a Deep Thoughts post)

Hello everyone. Well, today has probably not been the greatest day. But, I’ve found that on days such as this, nothing makes one feel better than going to Mass, and getting to sing in the choir. And, while in the choir next to Rob (who has the singular most beautiful bass voice I have ever heard on anyone) and singing the Our Father, a line stuck out to me.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

And that is when the guilt struck. Because, you see, I have a major issue with forgiving people. And its for good reason. Sometimes, some people just hurt you so deep, that forgiving them just feels like you’re being a doormat, letting their behavior be. The case that really sticks out for me is with my older sister, who, since the earliest days of my childhood, has seen me as nothing more than a filthy worm to grind under her high-heeled boots. I have never seen her once pass up a chance to remind me of how ugly, useless, mean, fat, stupid, and all around unworthy I am of her affection. And I, being the younger sister, have always adored her, always wanted to be her, with her blond hair and big eyes and confidence and smartness. But I wasnt good enough for her. I am less than nothing to her. So, if anyone was wondering why I always put myself down…thats why. The one person I always wanted to love me… hated me. Thats enough to give anyone a complex.

And yet, I am supposed to forgive her? After all she has done to me? Seriously? The girl ruined my life and my head, and yet I have to love her? Sometimes being a Christian can be hard. But yes, apparently, I do need to forgive her. Because if God treated me like I treat her… I’d be dead and burning in hell right now.

Other deep thoughts from the past few days? Well, there are two.

Number one is…there are some things God cannot fix. I know, I know, He is all-powerful and stuff, but there are simply some things He cannot make right. Some hurts that He can never fully heal. The sheer agony of a broken heart, the sharp sting of a broken trust, things I have dealt with several times, and yet pain me still. God can’t take those away, short of killing me or erasing my memory of the past 15 years (which sometimes looks really tantalizing) God may not be able to erase the pain, but he can help to bear it, however. In the end, He is the only one who can ever fully understand what we’re going through, what we’re feeling. All those things you could never tell, even to a friend, He understands. And though sometimes you wish He was an actual person with a shoulder to cry on (which I’ve wished more times than I can count, let me tell you) He is the one and only person who will never break your trust, your heart, never leave you, never hurt you. That’s the great comfort in all of the pain one feels in dark times.

Next point? Well, its a small one. I said once that Loneliness and Despair was the worst pain one could feel, and someone else said guilt was. But you know what? Heartbreak leaves them all behind, because it has notes of all those, with a generous portion of anger tossed in for good (bad) measure. But, you know what else? Sometimes, heartbreak is what one needs so that one may become the person God wants you to be. The best gold is that which has been tested through fire. And the best people are those who have been proved golden through pain.

~Tani