Seven things that you NEVER say to the Almighty.


Hello everyone! In my many wanderings and travels, I have seen and found many a strange thing. But today, I have found perhaps the most special object that mankind has ever seen! It is… the GodTranslate machine! For millenia, this apparatus has belonged only to Him. And for all of us who have prayed for something and got the exact opposite of what we wanted, this incredible machine shall explain why. I shall put in a few of my most common prayers, to illustrate the point.

**Note: This post is not meant to be disrespectful in any way. If you take it as that, sucks to be you, because I am in need of a good rant and this is the best way to do it. Thank you for your time.

 

7: “Grant me good dreams tonight,and let me sleep well!”

Ah, ah, ah, there’s a big no-no. You see, after putting this into the GodTranslate, what I got out of it was “Please give me extremely good dreams, so that I can wake up in the morning sobbing my eyes out because it was all just a dream. ” And as for the second part? Well, guess who overslept?

6: “Let me learn to let go of the things of earth!”

Ooooh, theres another bad one. Cause, you see, the GodTranslate made it into “God, please kill my pets, ruin several of my favorite friendships, and I would much appreciate it if you would give me food poisoning as well.” See what I mean?

5: “Give me patience, Lord!”

GodTranslate says that this becomes “God, please give me lots of reasons to be impatient.” Yes, yes, I know, this is so I can learn to be patient, but still… its bloody well hard!

4: “Give me humility, Lord!”

OWCH. This one is one of the absolute WORST things to ask for. So bad that the Translate couldnt even give us a real reading for it. But pretty much it means, “God. Let me humiliate myself. Repeatedly. Let me do and say some things that are just the epitome of stupid, gross, or rude. Please?” Dangerous in the extreme.

3: “…Lead us not into Temptation…”

According to the GodTranslate, this is the moment where God hears “God, please send me LOTS of temptations.” He obliges, of course.

2: “Help me get over him/her!”

Now this one… is tough. Unfair. Cause you know what the GodTranslate says that God hears from this? “Dear God, please, let this person do something so incredibly wonderful, that I fall for them even harder, and then let something rather bad happen, so that I am in a constant roller-coaster of joy and heartbreak. Let me always wander what on earth is going on, let me be forever worried and stressed over the situation, but make sure that they are always really nice and sweet and funny, of course. Thank you, Lord.” Now, isn’t that just terrible?

And #1: “Lord, thank you for giving me strength and health!”

Never, ever, EVER say this. You see, this, is pride. And God takes it as an excuse to give a person some horrible and painful condition, such as Chronic Ligament Laxation. Yep. For a person who once based all her self-worth on the fact that she was strong and healthy, losing that, and therefore losing myself, was crushing.

Well, this rant is at an end. I shall put the GodTranslate into storage until we have need of it again.

Love to all!

-Tani

 

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