And queue the readers all yellin’ “say whaaaaa?!?”
Its true. I have not been able to listen to any good Christian music in days. Wanna know why? Well, its because all those singers, their love of God bleeds through into every word of the songs. It used to be so beautiful, make me so happy, but… well, thanks to a few books and a lot of prayers, I realized that my relationship with the Almighty leaves a lot to be desired. I used to feel like they do, but, over the past month or so… I lost it. I’m getting caught up with all the stuff down here, all these human feelings, and I lost my love of God, traded it for… a guy holding my hand. Ugh. Did I mention that I’m furious at myself for that?
And, I feel like I’m ignoring God’s calling for me. The singers all listened to God, and turned out to have these great lives, being so happy… they surrendered to God’s will, and He gave them good for it. I cannot surrender to save my self (literally) because I am a Control Freak extraordinaire. Even to the point where, if something happens outside my control, I will flip out, cry, bite myself (Oh yeah, pathetic, huh?) and get all jittery. Asking God, who I cannot see, is not a solid safety net to fall back on, to take control… that is so totally beyond me! And yet, whenever I surrender in little things, all this good stuff happens. But I’m still dead scared that if I ask him to take care of my life, He’ll just send me more of the same old suffering. Take this vacation, for instance. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. At all. I have a horrible feeling like I’m going to break a knee or something. I would far rather be on retreat. I wont tell you my real fear of not being on retreat, cause its pathetic, even for me, but let’s just say I’m scared of what will happen if I’m not there. And yet, I know God is asking me to surrender, let Him do what He wants in this situation. But I dont know HOW!!!!
So, I’m back to praying, even though I feel that God doesn’t particularly want to listen. Who would want to listen to the selfish, pathetic, over-controlling b***h that I’ve been? Ugh.
I’m going to drown out all these thoughts in a glass of chocolate milk and the sounds of Rihanna and GaGa. Or maybe just put up the Song of the Week. (Its a Christian song, but I’ve been feeling like this for a while.)