I had 32 views today. 12 yesterday. 43 the day before. This begs the question, why?
I have mostly ignored this blog lately. I have realized, at last, how completely insignificant my opinion actually is, and how few people care and care so little about what I have to say about the inanities of my life. I am nothing special. I am not really any different from the billions of other human being on this planet. God loves me every bit as much as them. Does my writing a blog really make me somehow important? Does anything? In the grand scheme of things, I will probably be forgotten or at best annually commemorated with a dinner a hundred years from now.
I started this blog a shy, naive, selfish child. I did not know God, or love, or true friendship.I thought I knew myself. I thought my identity lay in my looks, talents, and strengths. I based myself off my friends, adopting characteristics and mannerisms like costumes. What triggered the change in me was watching all my delusions crumble around me, as everything I thought I was was stripped, piece by piece. I reached a point, around this past Christmas, when I had finally lost everything I thought I was.
It took me losing myself to realize I had never known me at all.
I gave up, right then. And I reached that point that had started with a pan of brownies, the point of absolute surrender to God. My life, for all that it is worth, is worthless. And yet, God, lover of all, chose to make me, so that I might have the choice to love him! Can you believe that?! He made me, not so that I would be forced to love Him, but that I could CHOOSE to. This complex and annoying and treacherous and foolish thing I call my self was made only that I might have the opportunity to chose to love Someone perfect! How could I resist loving Him? So that’s where that changed. I fell in love with God, deeper and more intensely in love than I ever could have thought I could fall in love with any of those guys I thought I had fallen in love with. Complicated, no?
And there, in God, I found who I am. Actually, in a song. Three points to whoever guesses it!
“Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ. Made in the image of the Giver Of Life. Righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy, this is our new name.”
So, I found me, and then I found my voice. I can (and Evelyn can attest to this) speak my mind now without worries of offending (I do end up offending people though, thanks to this stupid problem with pride.) I no longer need this blog to feel as though I have a voice, a thought. I no longer have that deep need to matter to the rest of the World. I matter to God, and to the people that already love me. As do you. As does everyone.
That’s really why I don’t get on. Don’t be offended, or disappointed. I’ll still be around, posting about what interesting things are going on.
Speaking of which, my Mom is going to have another baby! #11!! PARTAAAAAYYYY!!!!
Love to all!