Can We Please Tell Our Girls About Masturbation?


Control your faces of shock, readers. I know that word is taboo, and the mere sight of it makes us all cringe. Look at it… the way those syllables speak perfectly about the despair and gross-ness of the action. It’s something that people should be ashamed of, something that normal people just don’t do. It’s an action for immoral and spiritually dead young men, especially. Why would women even be interested in it?

Except… they are. And we don’t talk about that fact nearly enough.

I get it, I really do. Nobody wants to think about it, about the thousands of women who, for whatever reason, think personal stimulation is a healthy choice for their lives or who did once and, despite their mindset being changed, are now hopelessly addicted. They pray, they fall, they feel ashamed… but it all has to be kept a furtive secret, because if the word itself is so feared, how much more so is the action? This is especially true for young girls. The culture, from the TV they watch to the health classes they attend in school, tell them that masturbation is something good, normal, and healthy. Girls who don’t do it are obviously unwell and repressed. Jokes, memes, and comics circle the internet, another way of normalizing the behavior. Look at any popular comic site, and I guarantee you that you will find a joke about masturbation within the first few pages.

Girls seem to constantly be under attack in today’s culture of death. The culture has been steeped so much in the oversexualization of femininity that being “sexy” is increasingly the standard by which we judge a woman’s worth. The toys that girls are encouraged to play with, the clothes that they’re encouraged to wear, and the shows they’re encouraged to watch all quietly push that idea forward. On TV, the girls that are sexually active are cool, fun, popular, and loved. That’s quite the draw to today’s young girls, who often feel lonely or invisible at home and at school. These girls are encouraged to be slim, svelte, and sexually available, and that all those traits will earn them the love they naturally crave. It’s a slow drip of objectification; sex is a commodity, and girls are really only here on Earth to provide it.

But it’s hard for girls to consent to be objectified by others if they haven’t objectified themselves, which is where masturbation (and the path to masturbation, pornography) are brought into play. Girls are taught that their sexual drives reign supreme, and must be satisfied whenever it wants. It’s not that big of a deal… unless, of course, you don’t do it. Then you’re repressed, and you need the freedom of masturbation to turn you into the wanted, sexy person you should be. But, as I’ve written about before, though masturbation promises that you’ll feel satisfied with yourself, it never delivers. It always leads you to feel more and more broken and dirty. That shame is normal– we know we’re not made for this, but we still do it. It’s crushingly painful to the soul. But proponents of masturbation say that those feelings can be cured… with more masturbation. Before long, it’s a hopeless addiction, and girls’ self worth is so destroyed that they’ll have no problem giving their bodies to boys (equally shattered by the culture of death) because they’re afraid that, if they don’t, their bodies would be as completely worthless as they feel themselves to be.

Yeah, they can try to hide those feelings, but it’s so, so easy to see the brokenness in the eyes of a girl who has given herself up to the culture. There was one at my old school. She had lost her virginity at the age of eleven, to another boy in her middle school. In high school, she was loudmouthed and crass, quick to cut other people down, and even quicker to brag about her sexual exploits, proclaiming herself a free woman. But she was anything but. She was enslaved to her desires, enslaved to a culture that told her that her sexuality was what made her worthwhile… not her brains, or her kindness, or her ability to know, love and choose, but simply her ability to blow a guy behind the school bathrooms without teachers seeing her. The girls around her worshipped the ground she walked on, all of them sharing the same look in their eyes- the look of loss, pain, and infinite heartbreak, masked with fake confidence. They all just wanted to really be loved. They had all given up on that ever happening. They were free… free from life-giving love, free from self-worth, free from dignity and self-control. Is that really the kind of freedom we aspire to?

And masturbation was directly behind that. The girls talked about it, too, about the toys they used and the websites they visited to get things going. It was so normal to them, so completely unaware that it’s a poison, that seeps into your brain and tells you all sorts of nasty lies. I’d know. I’ve been struggling with it for years. I’m usually pretty good, but the days after I stumble in this never-ending uphill battle are always dark and painful. I definitely struggle with feeling lovable and wanted afterwards, sure that nobody could ever love me as I am. And that, in turn, is another whisper from the sin, calling me back, promising I’ll feel better, trying to push me into a downward spiral of self-hatred. Which is why it’s so vitally important to get to confession as soon as possible after a fall- it clears the sin away and removes its power. But without the ability to get it out, it just sits and drains out all the truth and life from someone, turning them into it’s slave.

So please, talk to your girls about it. Tell them what it is, before the school and the playground do. Then tell them about their worth to you. Tell them how smart and wonderful they are, and then tell them again, for good measure. Encourage them to have a truly healthy sexuality- not be enslaved to it, but to subjugate it, master it. Encourage them to pursue success in everything they do, from a shapes and colors test in preschool to their jobs after college. Remind them that they’re so, so much more than what their bodies can offer, that they’re also the proud owners of minds and souls and abilities and talents that have every right to be unleashed and change the world. And then tell them that you love them, over and over and over again. A generation of girls that feels loved and encouraged enough is not a generation that’s going to objectify themselves. And girls that have that normal, good, healthy self-worth are going to be just fine.

Love to all!

~Tani

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