I Feel Nothing for the Planned Parenthood Videos


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I’ve been struggling with writing this for the past few weeks, since I watched the first vid and realized that it wasn’t making me cry or throw up like so many other people claimed to have done. I thought it was just a fluke, until I watched the third video, which depicted the corpse of an aborted fetus being dissected while doctors discussed how much they could profit from selling the remains. I watched, and I felt… nothing.

It wasn’t precisely a nothing of apathy, but it was just a total absence of feeling. I saw tiny legs, a clear spinal column, and I just felt cold and dead. I didn’t sob. I didn’t rage in anger for the death of all abortionists. I watched, the same way I’ve watched videos depicting the horrors of the Holocaust, and felt a total lack of feeling, a void. Mathematically speaking, my feelings could have been measured in negative numbers as I watched the vid. I turned it off, closed my laptop, and walked away, still feeling nothing.

Many of my friends talked to me later about the vids, talking about how they couldn’t stop vomiting or that they sobbed for hours, if not days, about what they saw. Some were so traumatized that they shook uncontrollably, or so enraged that they started hypothetically discussing the idea of simply bombing all the abortion clinics they could find. These videos have evoked massive reactions in people, and they should. What they depict is so hugely evil that any normal, sane person should feel these emotions when faced with them. And I’m not sure what that makes me. Abnormal? Insane? Jaded? Part of the problem?

I feel like part of the problem. It’s usually the people who don’t feel anything in a situation who let horrible things happen, and I don’t want to be one of them. I wish I could throw up, or cry, or scream, or throw things, or even write impassioned blog posts about how horrible apathetic people like me are. But I can’t. I will keep fighting to end abortion, no matter what my feelings (or lack thereof) may be, don’t worry about that. It’s still an evil, and it still hurts God and hurts innocent human beings. So this confession might be rather meaningless, in the end, except to possibly confirm what some friends have told me already, that something is very wrong with Tani Federoff and she needs help. I might even be horribly selfish, to be worrying about what I feel when innocent children are being torn apart and sold. I thank the one friend who suggested that this was just a defense mechanism in my brain to keep me from fully understanding what the videos show, which makes me feel incredibly pathetic, but not actually insane.

I don’t understand why I don’t feel, and I’m sorry. I want to beg the forgiveness of the soul of the baby shown in the video, who is undoubtedly happy with God now, if me not feeling anything when faced with his tiny, broken body hurts him in any way. I’ll continue to march and to witness for life, until abortion is outlawed and hopefully gone forever, even if it means marching with no feelings at all. Because being pro-life isn’t about having feelings. Our marches aren’t fueled by fleeting emotions. We fight, not because we feel like it, but because it’s the right thing to do, for the sake of every single unborn child and their human family.

Love to all.

-Tani

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3 thoughts on “I Feel Nothing for the Planned Parenthood Videos

  1. Don’t get too upset about it… I am kind of the same way. I think those who vomit and cry for days are the ones who have had their eyes opened for the first time. We have been fighting this and are already aware of what is going on in our hearts. It affects us in a way deeper than emotion.

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  2. Emotions are supposed to motivate someone towards action. The problem is they also release stress and make someone “feel better” about a situation, even though they don’t act to change it. They are essentially lying to the person by making them feel better when there is no reason to. Tears and vomit are meaningless if not acted upon. Engaging in pro-life work is the end goal of the tears and vomit. Tears and vomit don’t save lives of children, pro-life work does. We are already at the place the emotions would put us so they aren’t as necessary.

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    • That is an excellent point. Another thing that I wanted to add, but couldn’t find a way to say, is that the pro-choice movement is very fueled by emotions and emotional arguments. They have their mercy and their compassion and their hard stories and their tears… ignoring the science and reality of abortion. Which is why the pro-life cause can’t be based on emotions, because emotional arguments always end up empty eventually. Emotions are good and necessary, but not as necessary as actually working for an end to abortion. Thanks for the comment!

      -Tani

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