Starting small.


So, to continue on today’s tangent and my overly- controlling self, I have a bit of Gods humor today. I was making my brownies, and I was doing this while babysitting and listening to Zander, the three year old, chattering away about how his favorite super hero team had taken down the “bad guys.” Distracted me just listened, tried to measure correctly… And then stopped dead. I had doubled the amount of flour in the brownies. And I had a mini panic attack, as in, I actually felt nauseous (how dare I make such a mistake!!!) and angry. And then, God saw His chance:

God: surrender the brownies.

Me: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? Look, Lord, I RUINED THEM. I messed up. I can’t fix this, and neither can You, no offense!

God: surrender the brownies. Trust Me.

Me: are you flippin’ serious?!?!

God: Yep.

Me: but-

God: SURRENDER. THE. BROWNIES. How will you ever learn to surrender the big things if you can’t surrender the little ones?

Me: … Ok, fine, but this is the weirdest prayer I have EVER prayed. God, I surrender these brownies to You, let these brownies be for Your greater glory.

And then, just like that… I wasn’t nearly as nervous anymore. I could breathe again. And I finished those brownies, added an extra egg, made the cheesecake topping, popped the whole mess in the oven, still a bit doubtful. Forty minutes later… The brownies come out. And guess what? When I make cheesecake brownies, every time, they end up not cooking, because the cheesecake topping keeps the thing batter from setting. All that extra flour? Well, the brownies cooked PERFECTLY. Can’t wait to eat them tonight.
Fine, God, I guess you win this one. Teach me how to surrender the larger things that I worry about. And thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚
Love to all!
~Tani~

Christian music depresses me.


And queue the readers all yellin’ “say whaaaaa?!?”

Its true. I have not been able to listen to any good Christian music in days. Wanna know why? Well, its because all those singers, their love of God bleeds through into every word of the songs. It used to be so beautiful, make me so happy, but… well, thanks to a few books and a lot of prayers, I realized that my relationship with the Almighty leaves a lot to be desired. I used to feel like they do, but, over the past month or so… I lost it. I’m getting caught up with all the stuff down here, all these human feelings, and I lost my love ย of God, traded it for… a guy holding my hand. Ugh. Did I mention that I’m furious at myself for that?

And, I feel like I’m ignoring God’s calling for me. The singers all listened to God, and turned out to have these great lives, being so happy… they surrendered to God’s will, and He gave them good for it. I cannot surrender to save my self (literally) because I am a Control Freak extraordinaire. Even to the point where, if something happens outside my control, I will flip out, cry, bite myself (Oh yeah, pathetic, huh?) and get all jittery. Asking God, who I cannot see, is not a solid safety net to fall back on, to take control… that is so totally beyond me! And yet, whenever I surrender in little things, all this good stuff happens. But I’m still dead scared that if I ask him to take care of my life, He’ll just send me more of the same old suffering. Take this vacation, for instance. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. At all. I have a horrible feeling like I’m going to break a knee or something. I would far rather be on retreat. I wont tell you my real fear of not being on retreat, cause its pathetic, even for me, but let’s just say I’m scared of what will happen if I’m not there. And yet, I know God is asking me to surrender, let Him do what He wants in this situation. But I dont know HOW!!!!

So, I’m back to praying, even though I feel that God doesn’t particularly want to listen. Who would want to listen to the selfish, pathetic, over-controlling b***h that I’ve been? Ugh.

I’m going to drown out all these thoughts in a glass of chocolate milk and the sounds of Rihanna and GaGa. Or maybe just put up the Song of the Week. (Its a Christian song, but I’ve been feeling like this for a while.)

 

~Tani~

Looking forward.


Well, on our last deep thoughts post, we talked a bit about depression, and you are may be wondering how does one keep from getting depressed, because Sheesh, the world seems to be a terrible and dark place! My main way of keeping from getting depressed: looking forward to things. What kind of things, you say?

BIG things:

Things that won’t happen for a while or one time events. These can be, for me, things like a Retreat or that huge poultry show that happens every November. For you guys, it could be a concert or a dance.

Medium things:

These are the things that will happen sooner, or will happen more often. Lifeteen and 4H meetings are my main ones. For you people, it could be a sleepover or a visit to a friend or relative.

Small things:

These are my favorite, because these are the things that keep me sane during the bad days. These are daily events that just make you happy. For me, its my time on the computer in the evening talking to Gabe, or my times on the phone with Ev or Izzy.

So, as I see it, if I give myself something to look forward to every day, I have 1) A reason to keep on track with School and House work, 2) Something that when I’m sad or angry, can calm me down and cheer up, and 3) something to keep me busy, instead of doing something wrong or sinful (ugh!)

What sort of things do you look forward to?

Love to all!

-Tani

 

 

I get it now!!! (Deep Thoughts ahead!)


โ€œThou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee..โ€ (St. Augustine)

Today, I have once again been permitted to look into the World, and see whats wrong with it. A few examples are needed

1) Lets call her Elizabeth. She has issues. She is no longer Catholic, she struggles with her sexual orientation, she is dangerously depressed, she feels alone. She left God behind, and now her life has crashed.

2) Lets call him Ethan. His girlfriend, who he loved very much, appears to have dumped him. He has also left God behind, and is cynical, jaded, and incredibly crude. He makes light of his pain and the emptiness in his soul, but its fairly easy to see, he is longing for God, he just doesn’t want to admit it. He is also dangerously depressed.

3) Caitlyn. Her mom abandoned her and her family several months ago, and her life just imploded. She never leaves the house unless its for school or church, and has cut herself off from all of her old friends and from everything having to do with God.

Now, look at these people, and the dozens of others you see every day. The world is bleeding, as I once said, and God bleeds with it. It breaks my heart to see all these people who have only to run to Him, and find all they desire, but still refuse to even acknowledge Him!!! This mentality is helped along by a culture who sees religion as dangerous and stupid, ridiculous and irrelevant.

*sigh* Pray for the World, alright? It needs it.

Love to all, praying for you all!

-Tani

 

***NOTE: NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITY OF THE PEOPLE MENTIONED ABOVE***

Song of the Week (Tenth Avenue North song, wootness!)


Great song, never heard it before, but when you do a random youtube search for Tenth Avenue North, this is what you get:

 

It reminds of Zoe and her anorexia, which was helped along by the fact that our mirror was crooked, making her body look big and her head small… ugh. but still, an EPIC song. Thats my new fave word, BTW, Epic, I pick a new favorite word every few weeks, before this it was dude (which drove quite a few people crazy, lemme tell ya!)

Love to all!!!

-Tani

 

Thoughts of “Do Hard Things.”


That.

ROCKED.

Now, if I were in a humorous mood, I would leave it at that and move on to posts about cats, family, and semi-deep thoughts. But I am not in that mood. So.

Wow. Very few books actually make me think, and even fewer bring me to tears while reading it. This book did both. Haha, you’re thinking, “she must be some super-emotional lump of tears,” right? Nope. I have this thing against crying, it stupid, I don’t do it unless I really feel like I need to. This book gave me a good reason to just randomly start crying; namely, that I could see how I was settling for the easy road so often, ignoring what God asked of me, trying to control my own life (its my biggest vice, I’m working on it) and buying into the myth that teens really can’t to anything until they become adults (Thank you, parents, for helping this mentality along. Much appreciated. Sheesh.) But reading the stories of all those teens, all those kids, that did make a difference, it was a shocker! Sure, there’s still my nice little stumbling block of the fact that I’m almost a cripple, but hey, at the very least,ย  I can help my family, right?

Alright, next, the part that really had me thinking hard, was the part about beating your own expectations for yourself. Oh dear. Old habits, addictions, temptations, and most of all fear, rule me so often, and I’m just a teen, I really can’t do much. But, beating them is a “hard thing” and since life will be a heck of a lot better without them on my back… until now, I’ve been too weak to even try. The thing about all of the above… they are all things that get stuck in you. You can’t really take them away, can you? The book suggested that you can. I can? I can??? This is a very big thing to wrap my head around. Oh Lord, help me, I don’t think I can do this alone. (yes, that was a prayer, ignore… I needed to say it.) Wow. This is awesome!!!

Love to all! I shall be thinking deep thoughts all week now!!!

-Tani

(P.S, Gabe, I used my stopwatch, reading the book took me 1 hour, 39 minutes, 43 seconds, cover to cover, crying time included. ๐Ÿ˜Ž )

The Hound of Heaven.


A little thing that everyone should know about me: I’m a poetry nut. A well written piece of poetry can turn a bad mood around like *that.* A poorly written bit of fluff can leave me annoyed and angry for hours. But, when the words flow and the meter is just right…. ah. A small taste of heaven, in my opinion.

So, here is my newest poem for school, “The Hound of Heaven” (I didn’t write it, sadly, but it very well written!)

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
 I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
 Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
 Up vistaed hopes I sped;
 And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
 But with unhurrying chase,
 And unperturbรจd pace,
 Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
 They beat--and a Voice beat
 More instant than the Feet--
 "All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

 I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
 Trellised with intertwining charities
(For, though I knew His love Who followed,
 Yet was I sore adread
Lest having Him, I must have naught beside);
But if one little casement parted wide,
 The gust of His approach would clash it to.
 Fear wist not to evade, as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
 And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clanged bars;
 Fretted to dulcet jars
And silvern chatter the pale ports o' the moon.
I said to dawn, Be sudden; to eve, Be soon;
 With thy young skyey blossoms heap me over
 From this tremendous Lover!
Float thy vague veil about me, lest He see!
 I tempted all His servitors, but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him their fickleness to me,
 Their traitorous trueness, and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue;
 Clung to the whistling mane of every wind.
 But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
 The long savannahs of the blue;
 Or whether, Thunder-driven,
 They clanged his chariot 'thwart a heaven
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn o' their feet--
 Still with unhurrying chase,
 And unperturbรจd pace,
 Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
 Came on the following Feet,
 And a Voice above their beat--
 "Naught shelters thee, who wilt not shelter Me."

I sought no more that after which I strayed
 In face of man or maid;
But still within the little children's eyes
 Seems something, something that replies;
They at least are for me, surely for me!
I turned me to them very wistfully;
But, just as their young eyes grew sudden fair
 With dawning answers there,
Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.
"Come then, ye other children, Nature's--share
With me," said I, "your delicate fellowship;
 Let me greet you lip to lip,
 Let me twine with you caresses,
 Wantoning
 With our Lady-Mother's vagrant tresses'
 Banqueting
 With her in her wind-walled palace,
 Underneath her azured daรฏs,
 Quaffing, as your taintless way is,
 From a chalice
Lucent-weeping out of the dayspring."
 So it was done;
I in their delicate fellowship was one--
Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies.
 I knew all the swift importings
 On the wilful face of skies;
 I knew how the clouds arise
 Spumรจd of the wild sea-snortings;
 All that's born or dies
 Rose and drooped with--made them shapers
Of mine own moods, or wailful or divine--
 With them joyed and was bereaven.
 I was heavy with the even,
 When she lit her glimmering tapers
 Round the day's dead sanctities.
 I laughed in the morning's eyes.
I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,
 Heaven and I wept together,
And its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine;
Against the red throb of its sunset-heart
 I laid my own to beat,
 And share commingling heat;
But not by that, by that, was eased my human smart.
In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's gray cheek.
For ah! we know not what each other says,
 These things and I; in sound I speak--
Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.
Nature, poor stepdame, cannot slake my drouth;
 Let her, if she would owe me,
Drop yon blue bosom-veil of sky, and show me
 The breasts of her tenderness;
Never did any milk of hers once bless
 My thirsting mouth.
 Nigh and nigh draws the chase,
 With unperturbรจd pace,
 Deliberate speed, majestic instancy;
 And past those noisรจd Feet
 A voice comes yet more fleet--
"Lo naught contents thee, who content'st not Me."

Naked I wait Thy love's uplifted stroke!
My harness piece by piece Thou hast hewn from me,
 And smitten me to my knee;
 I am defenseless utterly.
 I slept, methinks, and woke,
And, slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.
In the rash lustihead of my young powers,
 I shook the pillaring hours
And pulled my life upon me; grimed with smears,
I stand amid the dust o' the mounded years--
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,
Have puffed and burst as sun-starts on a stream.
 Yea, faileth now even dream
The dreamer, and the lute the lutanist;
Even the linked fantasies, in whose blossomy twist
I swung the earth a trinket at my wrist,
Are yielding; cords of all too weak account
For earth with heavy griefs so overplussed.
 Ah! is Thy love indeed
A weed, albeit amaranthine weed,
Suffering no flowers except its own to mount?
 Ah! must--
 Designer infinite!--
Ah! must Thou char the wood ere Thou canst limn with it?
My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust;
And now my heart is a broken fount,
Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
 From the dank thoughts that shiver
Upon the sighful branches of my mind.
 Such is; what is to be?
The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind?
I dimly guess what Time in mist confounds;
Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds
From the hid battlements of Eternity;
Those shaken mists a space unsettle, then
Round the half-glimpsed turrets slowly wash again.
 But not ere him who summoneth
 I first have seen, enwound
With blooming robes, purpureal, cypress-crowned;
His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.
Whether man's heart or life it be which yields
 Thee harvest, must Thy harvest fields
 Be dunged with rotten death?

 Now of that long pursuit
 Comes on at hand the bruit;
 That Voice is round me like a bursting sea:
 "And is thy earth so marred,
 Shattered in shard on shard?
 Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest Me!
 Strange, piteous, futile thing,
Wherefore should any set thee love apart?
Seeing none but I makes much of naught," He said,
"And human love needs human meriting,
 How hast thou merited--
Of all man's clotted clay rhe dingiest clot?
 Alack, thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art!
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee
 Save Me, save only Me?
All which I took from thee I did but take,
 Not for thy harms.
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms.
 All which thy child's mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for the at home;
 Rise, clasp My hand, and come!"

 Halts by me that footfall;
 Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstreched caressingly?
 "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
 I am He Whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."

Francis Thompson (1859-1907)

Is that not lovely? It has such a flow to it, such a tale it tells, of the human hearts longing for God, yet the fear of him, and how we run from He who can give us all the love we desire, run to the filth and pain of the world and think ourselves happy there. Lovely, simply lovely, poetry here.

Love to all!

-Tani

Life. As of today.


Hi all! Life is a bit weird today. How so, you may ask (or you may not, it really doesnt matter. I’ll tell you anyway!) Well, for one thing, I was looking forward to reading “Do Hard Things” bu someone forgot it and left it at his house. Grrrr. And to think I am going to make that selfsame someone a pie tomorrow.

Life is also weird in a bad way in that even Mom has noticed I’ve gained weight, and of course she said something, and now I’m so friggin depressed, because I can’ t exercise anymore, and its not my bloody FAULT!!!!! You think that I’m not worried enough about this damned problem?!? That I dont see how much I look like a beached whale?!? Ugh. *Tani cranks up her happy songs* time to cheer up.

Happy songs? Well, the one I’ve got on right now is

I like that song. A lot. Its one of the few secular songs that I actually really enjoy.

Well, Hmmm…. what else? Well, I can’t wait for lifeteen to start again (must… poke… Jesse…) I think the baby chick is a boy ๐Ÿ˜ฆ and I need a haircut (I’m going back to brunette again, Yay!)

Love to all!

-Tani